PAST CASES
CASE #1: Who stole Mose's jug?
Mose's favorite instrument, his jug, was stolen from the porch last spring. I studied the photos from the crime scene I took, dusted for fingerprints, and followed the trail of spilled spittle to track down the criminal. It turned out my Aunt Bathildis was the culprit. Apparently she mistook the jug for garbage and added it to the recycling bin. Thanks to my detective skills Mose was reunited with his jug and Aunt Bathildis was shunned for the month.
CASE #2: Scarecrow Thief
A couple years ago someone was stealing the scarecrows from what used to be Uncle Elmer's farm. Naturally he enlisted me to investigate. I wired one of his scarecrows to a tractor battery so that it would shock anyone who touched it. I stood guard, waiting to hear a scream. Two hours later I heard a loud buzz. The scarecrow thief turned out to be a local teenager, and I found him unconscious upon arrival. Unfortunately the teenager filed a lawsuit and won Elmer's farm in the settlement, but the judge made him return the scarecrows he stole. Case closed.
CASE #3: The Copy Machine Jammer
Someone in the office was putting documents held together by a paper clip into the feed, causing it jam. I followed the evidence to conclude that it was accountant Oscar Martinez for three reasons: 1) He works right beside the copy machine, easy access. 2) Oscar is known to use paper clips (confirmed by 10 eyewitnesses). 3) There were photos of Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson, and a love letter made out to Ryan found in the jam. Oscar is a homosexual, and I've often heard the Twilight films described as "gay." Plus I could see why a homosexual male would be attracted to Ryan. I have notified HR of Oscar's misconduct.
CASE #4: Credit Card Stalkers
To my alarm I started receiving pre-approved credit card applications in the mail. I try to live off the grid because I don't like government officials, especially those at credit card companies, knowing my wherabouts. While investigating, I noted that the applications were addressed with the same typo my Taxidermy Today magazine had -- "Mrs. Dwight Schrute." Clearly this meant the goons working at the credit card company had used the magazine as a front to get the goods on me. I cancelled my subscription with a threatening letter, and took the street numbers off the farmhouse. Good luck tangling with me now!
CASE #5: B&B Bashing
Someone was writing tasteless and insolent comments on the Schrute Farms TripAdvisor page. Things like: "There are no beds, only hay piles and horse blankets," "The beet wine gave me violent food poisoning," "Mose stole my toothbrush." These are false claims, and also very confusing as no guest has ever left Schrute Farms dissatisfied. I have each patron fill out customer review cards before they leave, and although they're anonymous, I went back through them to try and find any clues. There was one particular review that wasn't terrible, but had an annoyingly sardonic tone. I studied the handwriting, did some fingerprinting, and was able to trace it back to my co-worker Jim. Clearly, he was the idiot who posted the fake internet reviews. Justice has been served and he's been banned from TripAdvisor for life.
CASE #6: Manure Mess
This was one of the more simple cases (for someone of my caliber). My manure spreader was stolen from the beet farm. After doing some research and probing the neighbors, I discovered that the pirate was none other than my own cousin, Herschel. He was drunk and took the spreader out on the town, and then crashed it. He spent two nights in county and had to perform 500 hours of community service.
CASE #7: The Bling Ring
If you've been up to date on your TMZ and E! online, you've heard all about the teen burglary crew called the "Bling Ring" - a bunch of hooligans who rob celebrities houses. One of the teens was always caught on surveillance wearing a baseball cap. And guess what? Jim has that same stupid hat. Long story short, I asked Jim where he ordered it from, buttered up the hat company owner, asked if he's shipped anything out to Calabasas recently, and that led me to the Burglar Bunch ring leader. This Calabasas juvenile is now LAPD's top suspect, thank you very much.